Silent Moments
by Wolvesinboundary
Summary: Silent moments come when least expected. They're moments that ache and bleed the worst of emotions. They're painful and awful and in them you can sink so low that there's no longer any air to breath. So low, there is no hope of ever coming back up even enough to catch your breath. Post COLS


Silent moments come when least expected. They're moments that ache and bleed the worst of emotions. They're painful and awful and in them you can sink so low that there's no longer any air to breath. So low, there is no hope of ever coming back up even enough to catch your breath.

Alec had had more than one silent moment in the past few days. In fact, the past few days had pretty much been one never-ending silent moment occasionally disrupted by his annoying younger siblings but the disruptions were short and few. By now, Alec had sunk so low he couldn't even tell he was sinking anymore. The horrible emotions that came with the silence had stopped bothering to wrap around him and even if they hadn't, Alec didn't think he would've cared anymore.

The silence had come that night in the subway tunnel with the words "I love you. Not that that changes anything" and it hadn't left since. Alec had gone home that night and sat on his bed sobbing loud enough to wake up the whole world and no one had even noticed. His own sister and parabatai hadn't noticed until the next day he'd come out with red and swollen eyes. Of course they'd asked him what happened, what was wrong and he hadn't answered because really why should he? Him telling them wasn't going to change what had happened, if anything it would only make it worse. So he'd stayed silent, brushing them off and continuing about his day as if nothing was wrong. It was one of the biggest lies he'd ever told.

He'd gone out that night to hunt and he'd found himself unable to stop even after he'd killed two nests of demons and broken his arm because the silence had already dragged him down so low and there was a rush that came with the hunt that pulled him back up for a moment before he sunk again, faster than before. He needed that feeling. He needed _a _feeling and that seemed to be the only one he could get by the time another day had passed. Even the pain that came with ever cut, scrape, bruise and broken bone was a welcome pain because it made him feel so much less empty.

And as far as he was concerned, empty wasn't good.

Pieces of time are easy to lose. One moment you have one that's perfect, one you want to hold onto forever and the next it's gone, as you'd never really had it at all. Except that when you lose it, it leaves behind a cold, pulsing emptiness where you'd once kept it. And in that emptiness dark and painful flowers of despair would take root and grow and grow until they'd completely consumed you, so much so that eventually you wouldn't even realize they were still there, so used to them already.

Magnus had lost many pieces of time over the centuries. So many, he'd lost count of them but none before had left an emptiness he could feel. None had been big enough for flowers to grow in. This one, however, was an entirely different story.

He'd lost it that night he walked away from the subway tunnel, from the only person he'd ever really, truly loved. The emptiness had been so cold and vast that it had sent him to his knees the second he closed the door to his flat behind him. The flowers had started growing the second the first of many tears slid down his face and onto the ground and they'd grown so fast they'd already nearly completely consumed him by the time his cat came and brushed up against him in an act of comfort.

If this was how he was feeling, he could only imagine how bad it must be for Alec.

Alec was hurt. Not the kind of hurt that had you whining all day long. No, Alec was _hurt _and he was hurt bad. He thought he might drown in his own blood he lay there much longer and everything around him was too blurry to distinguish. He couldn't feel his arm anymore but his leg felt like it was being soaked in boiling water while being torn to pieces. His voice wasn't working and even if it was he couldn't move enough to get his phone which meant he was alone.

No one was coming to save him this time. It was an unsettling thought, but one that echoed around inside his head, pounding the truth into his mind. It was one he couldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried and suddenly all he wanted to do was _sleep _because maybe then it would all just stop. Believing it would, he let himself drift off into unconsciousness.

It didn't.

There was a sting on Jace's collarbone and he reached up to touch it, wondering what it was. He found his fingers tracing a rune he'd had so long he'd forgotten it was there. His parabatai rune. He moved to the mirror in his bathroom and pulled his shirt off to get a better look. He nearly fell over when he saw it, fading slowly but surely.

"Izzy! Come look at this!" he yelled out the door and not long after his adopted sister came storming through the door.

"_What, _Jace? And this had better be good because—" she was abruptly cut off by the sight before her. "What the _hell_?"

"It sure hurts like it" She glared at him before stepping closer and running her fingers over it. Suddenly, she pulled away, looking completely and utterly horrified.

"Alec." One word was all she needed to send them both racing towards the door faster than they would have ever thought possible.

Magnus stood in front of the institute, unsure whether he should go inside or not. He was having second thoughts now that he found himself on the steps of Alec's home. This probably hadn't been a good idea but he'd just _needed _to see him one more time. One last time, he told himself, and then he could let him go.

He was nearly knocked over when the other two Lightwood teens came barreling out the door and straight into him. Holding his now aching arm, he glared at the two before taking in their panicked expressions and seemingly hurry to get somewhere.

"Is something the matter?" The second he said it, he knew. He could see the parabatai rune on Jace's collarbone had almost completely faded away and with that sight came a sudden and heavy dread.

"Alec, he— but we don't know where—" Isabelle struggled to explain.

"I'll find him." With that, he threw open a portal and shoved them both in before him, thinking of black hair and blue eyes as he did.

Magnus almost lost it the second he saw him. It was worse than he'd expected. Laying in a pool of his own blood, his arm barely attached to his body, his leg torn apart so badly it didn't even really look like a leg anymore and those beautiful blue eyes he could never take his eyes away from were closed. He dropped down next to him, gathering him in his arms and setting to work trying to fix him, whispering that it would be okay.

But he knew that he couldn't fix him, not completely. There was more than just physical wounds killing the boy he loved, his heart was so badly destroyed he wasn't even sure he could ever get it beating properly again. It scared him, thinking he might lose him right then and there because he hadn't gone after him sooner.

The fear was soon demolished as those lovely blue eyes finally opened again, wandering and hazed over before clearing and coming to rest on his face. A whirlwind of emotion seemed to pass through them and Magnus stayed silent as he waited for one to stick and the boy to say something. He regretted it though when the three words he never wanted him to say to him came out of the teen's mouth.

"I hate you." And that was all he got before the other Lightwoods shoved him aside and scooped their brother up in their arms.

He stumbled back in a blurry haze of confusion, feeling tears streaming down his face but unsure whether they had a right to be there. He didn't mean it, he told himself. He's just angry and confused and he didn't mean it.

This, however, was becoming increasingly difficult to believe.

Alec woke to the sound of his siblings arguing. He inwardly groaned and then found them both suddenly at his side with matching looks of relief on their faces.

"Alec! You're up! Oh thank God, I thought you'd never wake up," Isabelle breathed. Jace snickered.

"Oh come on Iz, they told us he'd be fine."

"Well, I was still worried," she huffed back indignantly and Alec found himself chuckling lightly at their antiques. He suddenly remembered the last time he'd woken up, cat eyes staring down at him hopefully.

"_I hate you" _

"Is Magnus here?" Both his siblings looked at each other unsurely before Isabelle finally spoke up.

"He left right after he healed you. He seemed kind of… Off. Did you say something to him?"

"No." _Just that I hate him._

"I can call him if you'd like."

"Why would you do that?"

"Um, he's your boyfriend nimrod. I guess you hit your head harder than we thought." It was Jace who answered this time.

"We broke up."

"WHAT!?" They both yelled in unison, Isabelle much louder than Jace.

" I said we broke up." And with that he rolled over so his back was facing them and waited for them to leave. When they did, he began sobbing again for what seemed like the hundredth time that week.

It was just too hard.

It was night when Magnus decided to visit Alec. The stars had come out and the streets of Brooklyn were completely deserted but Magnus couldn't sleep, the blue-eyed boy's words running through his head so much he was sure they'd run at least nine marathons by now. And that was why he found himself outside the door to the infirmary, hand on the handle but not sure whether or not to take that one tiny little leap and turn it. He decided to knock first.

"I told you Izzy, I'm fine," came the muffled reply and Magnus hesitated before answering.

"It's not Isabelle." The silence that followed seemed to stretch on for an eternity and Magnus was just about to start sinking when Alec finally spoke up again.

"Magnus, what are you doing here?" The words were laced with a tiny bit of sadness and tiredness and a whole lot of anger.

"We need to talk." Magnus knew his voice was shaking but frankly, he couldn't bring himself to steady it.

"It's like you said, there's nothing to talk about."

"That was before you said you hated me."

"Why should me hating you change anything if you loving me doesn't?" Magnus paused.

"I was wrong."

"There's a first." He groaned.

"Alexander, please can I just come in?" There was silence again as Magnus waited for a reply, hand poised on the door handle, ready to open it.

"Fine." He let out a relieved sigh and twisted the doorknob, steeping into the infirmary. Alec was standing a few feet away, dressed in his usual baggy black clothes with his arms folded across his chest. The look on his face was less than pleased.

"Hey," Magnus choked out and Alec raised an eyebrow.

"You wanted to talk, so talk." He was annoyed, that much was clear and Magnus was nervous. He'd never seen Alec like this, at least not towards him. He'd seen him like this when he was mad at Jace or Isabelle or even Maryse once or twice.

"I think we made a mistake—"

"I don't."

"Look Alec, I'm s—"

"Do not try to tell me you're sorry, because I know you aren't."

"But Alec, I am."

"If you were sorry, you shouldn't have done it in the first place."

"Well, then the same goes for you. You told me you were sorry for going to Camille."

"That was different."

"_Different_? How?"

"Because I didn't say I loved you and then break us up because apparently it doesn't change anything! Who does that!" And then Magnus realized why Alec was _so _mad and that he probably had every right to be.

"Alec, I—"

"Don't. Just, please— just leave." Alec had turned away from him now and he knew it was over so he turned and walked back out the way he'd come.

If he hadn't left, he would've noticed the tears that were falling down Alec's face.

Isabelle was worried about her brother. Not the blond-haired idiot she always worried about but the black-haired beauty who'd always worried about her instead. Ever since Magnus had stopped by he'd only gotten worse, something she hadn't even thought possible until now.

At that moment, he was sitting on the couch staring unseeingly at a TV he hadn't even turned on. She moved towards him and lightly tapped his shoulder, effectively breaking him out of his trance.

"Would you like something to eat?" Alec made a face.

"No." She rolled her eyes.

"Take-out. Jesus you guys, my cooking's not _that _bad." Her brother raised his eyebrows at her and she glared back at him. "Fine, whatever. Don't eat. Just sit there and starve yourself to death." And with that she walked away, knowing full well she shouldn't have.

"Hey Alec it's Isabelle. Just wondering where you are. Call me when you get this, k? Love you, bye."

"Yo, it's Jace. Izzy's freakin' out so just call us, man. K, great. Bye."

"Alec this is Isabelle again. Where the hell are you? I'm worried sick, so just call us already. Anyways, goodbye."

"Alec, it's Jace. Come on just pick up already. Where are you, man? Everyone's getting worried so could you just like let us know you're alive? Awesome, see you."

"It's Izzy. _Please _call us or just come home. It's been three days already, bye"

"Alexander, it's Magnus. I really think we need to talk. I don't like the way we left things and I don't want you to hate me for the rest of your life. Call me when you get this. I love you, bye."

"Alec, _please. _Where are you?"

"C'mon Alec. Even just like a text would be fine, dude. Seriously. Bye."

"Alec, it's Magnus again. I know you hate me but please, could you at least just call and tell me that that's really how you feel. If you do, I'll stop I promise. Just call me. I love you, bye."

"Hey Alec, it's Simon. Izzy told me to call you because she thinks you might just be trying to avoid them. So yeah, just let us know you're good and uh… yeah. Bye."

"Alec, please. It's been five days."

Alec was cold. Actually, freezing would be a more accurate term to use because he was more than just cold. He wrapped his arms around himself as he walked, trying to regain some of the heat he'd lost, but failed miserably. He couldn't feel his feet anymore, rubbing against the worn-out leather of his black combat boots and if not for his hearing still being intact, he would've thought his ears had already fallen off.

He'd been walking for five days now, and what little of his body he could still feel ached but he didn't stop. He also didn't have any real destination. He'd been wandering around aimlessly the entire time, thinking that maybe if he kept walking he'd stop thinking.

The worst part wasn't the aching or the cold, though. It was the silence. Once again, the past few days had been one never-ending silent moment in which he managed to sink even _deeper _than before, something he hadn't thought possible. This silent moment, however, was not disrupted by his annoying siblings, as he'd turned his phone off the second he left the institute. It was easier to shut out and forget the world without it constantly ringing, reminding him of the miserable life he led.

A life he didn't want anymore. As soon as the thought entered his mind, he found himself on a familiar street in front of a familiar building.

_Magnus._

He stared up at it and noticed his light was still on. Before they'd broken up, this was where Alec would've spent nearly every single night. And maybe that was why his feet had carried him here, because unlike the institute, this was home.

And it was one he wanted back.

Magnus couldn't sleep again. Alec still hadn't called him back and he was beginning to worry that he never would, forcing the warlock to live for eternity wondering why he let him go and hating himself for it. Alec wasn't that cruel, was he?

His curtain blowing in the wind that came through his open window had started to wear on his nerves so he threw himself off his bed and stormed over to it. He was about to slam it shut when his eyes caught sight of something he didn't think he'd ever see again.

_Alec._

He was staring up at the window from the sidewalk, arms clutching at his sides in a feeble attempt to keep warm. Magnus couldn't see much else from that far away but he knew it was Alec and within seconds he was stumbling down the stairs to greet him.

When he threw open the door he had to do a double take to process the sight before him. Alec was pale. Paler than usual and his lips were actually blue. How long had he been out there? His boots were so worn down there was hardly anything left and he was shivering so violently it looked like he might fall over. Magnus rushed towards him and pulled him into his arms, guiding him inside the building and up the stairs to his flat. Once they were inside, he rushed off and grabbed every blanket he could find, dumping onto the boy he'd left sitting on the couch before he sat next to him. Alec wasn't looking at him, his eyes trained unseeingly on something in front of him.

"Alec, are you okay?" He didn't expect a reply, not even a nod or anything but he really didn't know what to say. He was surprised when the blue-eyed boy answered.

"No." His voice was scratchy and cracked even on just one syllable and it sent Magnus scrambling to the kitchen for a glass of water. He helped Alec drink it before settling down next to him again.

"Why are you here, Alec? I thought you didn't want to talk." Magnus wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer but he knew it was something that needed to be asked. They could only avoid something for so long.

"I don't know." He sounded dazed and confused, and Magnus could tell that he really didn't know.

"Alec—"

"Kiss me." He was taken aback by the words that left the other boy's mouth as he turned his head to face him for the first time that night. "Please, Magnus. Kiss me."

He didn't think, he just did. It was as natural as breathing to him as their lips met and moved together hurriedly. Alec's lips were freezing but began warming up as they kissed and soon Magnus found himself laying on top of Alec on the couch, his hands tracing the runes under his shirt.

For a second it was perfect. They were together and that was all that mattered. They hadn't broken up, Alec wasn't mortal, Magnus wasn't immortal and they were happy. But, like all other pieces of perfection, it couldn't last forever.

"Alec we can't do this." Magnus pulled away, albeit reluctantly, to look at the other boy's face. Alec's arms were still wrapped around his neck when he replied.

"Why not? We love each other, don't we? That's all that matters." Magnus wished what Alec said was true but he knew that this time he couldn't pretend that it was.

"It isn't, Alexander, you know that. We need to talk this out before we do anything more." Alec groaned but sat up.

"Fine. I don't know what you think we need to talk about though."

"You said you hated me."

"I don't." Magnus felt his heart heal the worst of its wounds then but he had to be completely sure.

"Then why would you say you did?"

"I was pissed at you and I wanted to hurt you as much as you'd hurt me." Magnus gave him a sad smile.

"I was already hurting, darling." Alec hesitated, glancing over at the TV on the other side of the room.

"I know." It was silent after that for a while before Magnus crawled over to him and held him like he'd wanted to ever since that awful night at the subway tunnel, the night everything had gone to hell. Alec started crying, then, his face buried in Magnus' chest and his tears soaking through his shirt but Magnus couldn't bring himself to care because for the first time in weeks, it seemed like they'd be okay.

"I love you, and it changes everything," he whispered into the black hair his chin rested on. The reply was muffled and hard to comprehend but Magnus knew what was said.

"I love you too."

Silent moments may come when least expected. They may ache and bleed the worst of emotions. They may be painful and awful drag you down so low there's no longer any air to breathe. They may drag you down so low you cannot see a way of ever getting back up enough to catch your breath, but there is a way.

All you need to do is fill them.


End file.
